Domestic Abuse: My Story

A couple years ago, I got married to someone that I thought would be perfect for me. Then something went terribly wrong.

 I had heard of damaging marriages with abuse before, but the stories seemed distant and hard for me to picture. "That will never happen to me." I never thought that one day I would become one of those wives who was in danger from the person they love most. I never thought that one day I would be the statistic of one of those who was a victim of domestic abuse.

I couldn’t believe it until I was staring into the eyes of a police officer that told me I had reached that place.

"I am sorry to tell you this Jessica, but you are the victim of domestic abuse."

Tears...Pain... Like getting run over by a locomotive without even stepping onto the tracks.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. 

In my position, all I wanted was for someone, anyone, to understand. Therapists began to tell me that I would have to struggle through the grief process. It was just like a death. The death of everything I hoped I would have. The death of a marriage that ravaged each person in its path.

First the denial. There was no way this was happening to me. It couldn't be. I took the time to think through who this person was, and like a thief in the night it was gone and the place next to me in my bed was empty and cold.

Intense anger. Why would he do this to me? Why couldn't he put in the work to keep me around? Why me? WHY WHY WHY, when all I had done in life was prepare for this moment. Why, when I had put in so much effort to love him no matter what he did to me or said to me.

Bargaining. Was it actually my fault? Was there something I could have done better to make this all work out? Was I a bad wife? Should I have looked harder for signs? What if I went back and we worked it out? Because surely no pain in marriage could hurt as bad as having it go down in flames.

Deep depression was a new friend. I wanted my best friend back. I wanted to feel his warmth and see his smile and hold him close, but I couldn't. Deep down I knew the choice to walk away was correct, but the image of his face as I walked out the door is still burned into my memory. A black hole was punched into my heart that seemed irreparable. It seemed like a way out was much too far away, and no amount of love, encouraging words, or hugs could squeeze the pieces back together.

But then after all this time... Sweet acceptance. The divorce had happened. And one day it would all be okay. This was my choice, and it was one that would make me strong. I would rise from the ashes, and it would all be okay. It would all pass. It would probably pass like an abnormally large kidney stone, but it would still pass.

After the struggle of grief from my monumental loss, I realized that it wasn’t all for nothing. I could reach out and be one of those people who understood. I could make my situation into my mission in life to help others in situations just like mine.

Do I think that my ex husband is a terrible person? No. Does he deserve to have a happy relationship just like I do? Yes. Absolutely he does. Good people do bad things. Some behaviors are just not safe to be around, but nobody is beyond help.

There's no light way to put this other than:

ABUSE SUCKS.

(Fair warning: The content of this video can be disturbing.)

Nobody should ever have to go through it, and yet it is still not thoroughly understood. I have had people ask me what qualifies as abuse in marriage, and that is the main question that I am going to address.

Abuse is a lot more than just a hit, slap, or punch.

It’s any Physical, Sexual,
Emotional, and/or Verbal act
used to gain or maintain control,
over an intimate partner, including dating & past relationships.

Abuse doesn’t remain stagnant. It’s like a roller coaster that continues to spiral out of control. The cycle of abuse goes as follows:

#1 Tension building: The Abuser becomes frustrated or angry and may swear at, criticize or threaten the victim. Meanwhile the victim feels a need to keep the peace

#2 Explosion Phase: Tension builds to a point where physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse occur.

#3 Honeymoon Phase: The abuser may apologize for their actions, give gifts, or promise to change. He may ask for a second chance and then blame their partner for the abuse and act like it never happened. The abused partner may also be driven to believe it is their fault, and that they can make it stop. 

 I mention abuse because it is all too real to me. I mention abuse because when we talk about the happy parts of relationships, we also need to understand its polar opposite. I mention abuse because maybe you will come across someone who is struggling through it and you can be their hero. Some of you reading this were some of the people who kept me sane and lifted me when nothing else seemed to help. You know who you are and guess what? I LOVE YOU.

Sadly, abuse is much more common than you would think:

• On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. For one year, this equates to more than 10 million women and men

•  On a typical day, there are more than 20,000 phone calls placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.

• 95% of men who physically abuse their intimate partners also psychologically abuse them.

•  1 in 3 college students will experience an abusive relationship.

And even with those staggering statistics, not everyone leaves. It’s hard, and YOU can be that support that they need. I am one of the ones that left once and never went back. That’s not always the case. In fact,

On average, a woman will leave an abusive relationship 7 times before she leaves for good.

It is hard to leave a relationship especially when you are married, and I don’t recommend divorce unless there are no signs of improvement. Improvement will only come if the abuser is willing to change and realizes they are doing something wrong. If they can’t see it and won’t change it, please reach out for help.

For those of you who are still dating, there are signs that you can look out for that could be a shadow of things to come.

• Checking cell phones, emails, or social networks without permission, possessiveness, extreme jealousy or insecurity.
• Isolation from family and friends, constant belittling or put-downs, constant mood swings towards you. 
• Making false accusations, explosive temper, telling someone what they can and cannot do.
• Pressuring someone into having sex, physically inflicting pain or hurt in any way. 

If there are any of these signs in your relationships, you may want to reconsider where you are wanting this relationship to go. If you find any of these traits in yourself, please get the necessary help to fix these behaviors. If you ever witness any of these behaviors in someone else’s relationship, please do not hesitate to reach out and love and help.

The kind of relationships we need, want, and deserve are the polar opposite of what we see in abuse. There will always be occasional unhealthy behaviors present in our relationships, however, unhealthy behaviors are different than their abusive counterparts. Unhealthy behaviors on occasion are okay because we are only human. Abusive behaviors should never be present in a relationship.

Relationships take a lot of time and effort. Marriage takes time and effort. But when you love the person you are with; you do what is necessary to build your relationship into something bigger and better than it was before.

All of you reading this, deserve nothing less than the following: 

So, what is to be done?

If you are in a relationship, make sure that you are with someone that treats you with respect and love. Make sure that if there are unhealthy behaviors that you are working through them and decide whether your partner is willing to work through them.

You deserve someone who will fight for you. Not against you.

And if you find yourself in a situation like mine, PLEASE reach out for help. Never be afraid to speak up. Never be afraid to stand up for yourself. There is help, hope, and peace ahead.

You can do this. I promise.