Healthy Relationships: What Do They Look Like?

Okay, I admit it. I am a hopeless romantic… Or at least that is how the saying would put it. I would like to think that I am more of a hopeful romantic because I know that relationships can work, and I am excited for the day when a relationship of my own will work.

Writing about relationships is a vulnerable topic for me since I have had more heartbreak than most people my age should ever have to deal with, but I write about it because my passion is in helping others learn from my experience. I have walked through the fire and hope that what came of it will be for the benefit of those that I teach and work with.

For those of you who are single, (Shout out to my lovely single ladies and gents) I hope that I can show you what a healthy relationship should look like and what unhealthy behaviors look like so you can proceed in a healthy way with whomever you find. I know that whoever you meet will be blessed to have you. To all my engaged and married friends, I hope I can make you more aware of unhealthy behaviors so that you can take the time to re-evaluate, improve, and grow in your relationships.

Recently in my internship, I have been introduced to a book called “Should I Stay, or Should I Go” by Lundy Bancroft. In the book he describes 3 stages that each relationship goes through. The first one is all our favorite.

Romantic Stage

This phase is the “I could just stare at you all day long-I’ve never felt this way before” phase. Everything seems perfect, and all of your differences don’t seem to matter. You feel full of joy, and both partners are diving in head-first. This phase usually lasts about 1-4 months. If you haven’t been in a relationship before, perhaps you have experienced your heart beating faster when you see that unusually aesthetically pleasing man walk by you in the library. We have all been there!

Then we move into the:

Conflict Stage

This is the “We are actually two different people” stage, and this is where most of the growth aspects of a relationship happen. You work on different communications styles and ways of expressing irritation, you try to understand each other’s values, and you see the impact of gender roles kicking in. You start to negotiate how you spend your time, and you certainly begin to be a lot more vulnerable.

NEWS FLASH: EVERYONE has their differences, and this should come as no surprise. It’s how you work through these differences that defines how your relationship will work. Nobody is exempt from adjusting each day to become better for themselves and others.

The last stage is a bit trickier:

Evaluating Commitment Stage

      VS.

At this point you realize that differences are inevitable, and you get to evaluate whether working through those struggles gets you to a good place or not. If you are in this stage, you might ask yourself:

·         Do we actually have enough in common? 

·         Is this mix of love, laughter, attraction and romance going to carry us through the hard times which are going to come? 

·         Do we have enough commitment that we feel we belong together? 

·         Are we okay with being monogamous, or do we still want to see other people? 

·         How committed am I?

     If your relationship moves into a commitment and you are either engaged or married, first of all, CONGRATS! It’s an exciting time, where you get to learn to grow through the things you endure through together. And guess what? If you haven’t made it to this place, CONGRATS! You get to keep learning and practicing this pattern of working with other people and that is more than okay.

     Regardless of where you are relationship-wise, there are healthy behaviors that you should see in your relationships and unhealthy patterns that can show up in the relationship.

NEWS FLASH 2: EVERYONE whether in a relationship or not, should be practicing healthy relationship patterns and getting in the habit now of re-evaluating themselves from time to time. There are always things we can do better at and it will only benefit you if you get in the habit of making healthy changes now.

     Note that nobody you find will be the picture of perfection. All of us have weird little differences like squeezing the toothpaste from the middle of the tube or leaving a dirty dish in the sink from time to time, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make it work.

I know what it is like to not be heard, and to be disrespected. I have been in the spot of being deceived and controlled. It is not worth it. Be the person who communicates and listens well. Guys, there’s a reason we have one mouth and two ears. Be the one who is respectful and finds the good in your partner. Be honest in constructive, not destructive ways. You can be your own person but be a good person to your person.

If you find you are displaying unhealthy behaviors, you can always put in the work to change. There are always things that we can do each day personally that will make a world of a difference in our relationships.

Questions to consider

·         How can I be the person that I would want in a relationship?

·         If someone else treated me the way I treat others, would I like it?

·         If someone treated my family the way I treat others, would I like it?

·         Do my current familial and romantic relationships fit healthy or unhealthy   relationship patterns? If unhealthy, what can I do to change? If healthy, what can I do to   make this area even better?

A model that works profoundly well in relationship building is one found in the book “How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk” by John Van Epp. It is called the Relationship Attachment model, or R.A.M. model.

This model has 5 categories that are in a relationship. These categories are knowing, trusting, relying, committing, and touching. If a relationship is healthy, these categories will go in descending order, with knowing someone being the most important. If any of these dials take precedence over the other, then there is likely something that needs to be re-evaluated and fixed in the relationship.

It is a living example of how we must use both our head and our heart when in relationships. I know not all of you reading this may be religious, but I stand with Paul when he told the Philippians:

 

I hope with all my being that you can use both your head and your heart when you are in the pursuit of a relationship. I hope that you will make every needful change and be the one to love and lift someone else.

May you remember that you can succeed in your relationships and that there is always hope.

Above all, I hope that you find someone to love and that loves you dearly in return. You deserve it.