Love is patient. Love is kind. Love does not envy or think of itself. Love is not easily provoked and it does not think evil. Love thrives in truth and endures through thick and thin.
In real world terms, you could say that love is holding back your wife's hair when she pukes or tying her shoe laces when she is too mega pregnant to do it herself.
Love is watching football with your husband even when you have no idea what in the world is happening.
It's hard to define exactly what love is in simple terms, but today I wanted to talk specifically about how love is REAL.
There are so many distortions about what love really is and what it should look like, and one of those specific attacks on REAL genuine love is Pornography.
This is a heavy topic to cover, but I feel it is so important because I am heavily passionate about making your relationships as beautiful as they can be. I have seen pornography destroy relationships time and time again.
It's amazing to me how much of a taboo subject this is and yet it is scarily prominent in our society. In fact, recently statistics have shown that
-25% of all internet searches are related to sex
-40 million Americans say they regularly visit porn sites
-70% of men ages 18-24 visit a porn site at least once a month
-64% of these individuals aged 18-24 actively seek out pornography weekly
-35% of all internet downloads are porn related
-In 2018 alone, the worlds largest free porn site received 33,500,000,000 visits
Pornography is not only becoming more prevalent, but it is becoming highly accessible. The problem with this exposure is that it can become highly addictive and has effects exactly like drugs. The only difference being that the images we see are hard to erase, especially when connected to powerful sexual feelings.
Pornography, most literally rewires the brain.
We all have pleasure centers in our brain. The job of that reward center is to release pleasure chemicals into your brain whenever you do something healthy like eating good food, exercising, or even enjoying a nice smooch. The "high" that you receive from those chemicals makes you want to perform those behaviors again. This is usually a good system, but unfortunately our mind is something that can be tricked.
When we use addictive substances, the same thing can happen. Our brain can receive false signals and the brain can't tell the difference between the drug and the healthy behavior. As a result, our reward center fires and we have a yearning for a fake reward. Addictive substances hijack the brain and force it to want things that aren't good for it.
With natural pleasures, we end up feeling satisfied because our brains have a natural "off" switch for things that are good for it. Addictive substances continually release dopamine and don't give it a break. The urges then become stronger and stronger. Soon enough, addictive substances are needed by the user in higher and higher doses. Over time, we become tolerant.
This addiction, is one that can ravage relationships. It is a choice that effects both parties in a relationship in deep and personal ways.
Pornography gives a false idea of what a relationship should look like. The actors will portray a lover who is always at the other partners beckon call. They are a partner who is always ready and willing for intimacy.
That is not REAL.
Pornography portrays a partner who is never bored, annoyed, or not willing to have sex at any given moment. It gives the viewer a set of false expectations.
That is not REAL.
What is REAL is the person you are with. The perfectly flawed and lovely person that you are meant to grow with. Closeness in relationships and in marriages takes work, but it is the best work that you will ever participate in. Nothing worthwhile comes easily.
The adverse effects are also painfully real.
-Pornography promotes infidelity
-Pornography is linked to weaker relationships
-Pornography makes a viewer less and less interested in their REAL partner.
-Pornography can bring self hatred into the life of the viewer and insecurity into the life of the other partner.
-Pornography tears apart trust.
The list goes on and on.
It goes around in a type of cycle, but that cycle need not go around endlessly. We discussed how pornography is addictive just like a drug. But something that we understand about any addiction is that there is HOPE. There is a way to recovery.
This is what the cycle looks like:
It all starts with an emotional trigger. In many cases, pornography is not so much a sexual issue as it is a misplaced emotion. It is a kind of coping mechanism that does not prove helpful, but is used because it is satisfying only as long as the viewing lasts. This trigger could be anything. We can use a traumatizing family experience as an example. This leads to a craving for something that can satiate the emotion. The user then goes into the ritual stage where they begin to fantasize the pleasure and this causes all rationality to go out the window. Then they start to view or use pornography and they get the "rush" they are seeking until they are done viewing. In the end they are left feeling shame and guilt, which happens to be a trigger that can start the cycle rolling endlessly.
Here's an example in real life. Let's say my trigger was a break up. I would feel sad and have a craving for ice cream... I mean, come on... You can't say you haven't been there before. Then you enter this ritual stage where you picture how delicious it will be when the creamy moose track taste hits your tongue. At that point you are thinking, "TREAT YO'SELF" and all sense of rationality goes out the window as you act out and eat bite after bite until you find that you have consumed a half a gallon of ice cream. Then we feel guilty because you consumed a life time of calories, and then you are back into your trigger feeling of sadness.
HOW do we stop the cycle?
For someone addicted to pornography, the danger is in the secrecy. One of the biggest reasons the cycle keeps going is because of the secrecy.
Guys... It is SO HARD for someone with this struggle to admit they have a problem.
Honestly, how many of you would be super comfortable going up to someone you care about and telling them that you are addicted to something that may cause them to leave?
My piece of advice? PLEASE be someone who makes others feel comfortable enough to open up to. There should never be a time where you say things like "If someone told me they were addicted I would not love them anymore," or "addiction is disgusting and deplorable." One of the best ways to stop this cycle is to disclose the information so you can get help. And the only way anyone will ever open up is if you give them the assurance that they can open up to you.
Pornography may sever trust, but disclosing this information shows that your partner is trustworthy and accountable for their actions.
Is it easy to hear this? Never. But can you love someone who has this problem? Absolutely you can. We all have issues. But we are NOT our problems.
As the person who is addicted, you can also be proactive by knowing your triggers, and being accountable to your partner in disclosing when you feel you have been triggered. And like any addiction, you need to find healthy patterns that replace this behavior. It's never really something you get over completely, but it is something that you can learn to control.
There is a lot more I could say about this, but if you are struggling, there is one thing that I want you to understand: YOU are a PERSON. You are NOT an ADDICT.
You are not your mistakes. Rather, you have a decision to become more because of your mistakes. We are good people who do flawed things. Granted, viewing pornography is a slippery slope that holds great consequences, but you also have to realize that you are not terrible. Porn kills love. You don't have to.
We all struggle, but what really matters is how we handle these things and how we walk through and out of the fire.
And for those of you helping someone else who is struggling. Thank you. Thank you for choosing to love through the hurt, and for separating the person from their struggle. Thank you for choosing to love in a way that is ever so REAL.
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